so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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