Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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