i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Four minutes until I can fart!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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