The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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