I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Houston, we have a squirter
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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