Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
