come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
