fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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