And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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