I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
