lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
