Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
