I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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