highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
