Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
