He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
you never un-have a 4some
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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