Say something about gay babies.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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