Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
