I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
