I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
