shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
