It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
