when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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