Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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