im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How's work?
Spinning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
