I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Less talking, more tequila
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
