There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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