im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
