no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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