So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
