just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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