I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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