i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
