Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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