so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
