When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
