well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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