she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
