Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
