gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
