WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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