Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
