just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
