remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
