I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
