worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
