i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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