im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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