I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Farmville is her only friend.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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