No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
