Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize