we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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